Let’s Make a Deal!

Time to blow some shit up.

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I’ll dress up like a banana if it helps to move Drew Stafford. It won’t. But I’m willing. Chances are, we’re all willing. IDEA: let’s all wear banana costumes to the next game.

Also, for the record: I’ll pay for Stafford’s bus ride out of town. Despite his goal in front of the net yesterday, he is all pond hockey here. He wants to be moved. He is playing like this, so that he will be moved. Or, he is playing like that because he wants to lose his career. Hmm.

Instead of the normal “let’s trade this guy for that guy” HFBoards/Twitter/WGR analysis, I’m going to do a simplified deadline day trade version. Welcome, everyone, to “Who would Scotty Trade?” (Spoiler alert: STAFFORD. Oh wait. Nevermind.)

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“Trade him for a bag of pucks,” you say? The Sabres don’t need a bag of pucks. But hey, they could toss them into the crowd or something. Make the deal! Goodtimes.

Let’s begin between the pipes.

Ryan Miller

32. Franchise netminder. Those are hard to come by… but he’s not exactly stealing games for us. And if we move him I won’t have to follow Noruweern Dewolf (sic??) on the Twitter anymore. Also, Detroit proved you can win the Cup with a great defense and a cut rate goalie. Survey Sez: TRADE. (I know. Wrong gameshow. Whatever. I’m putting in a Sabres-type effort here.)

Jhonas Enroth

He won a game this year. Nowhere near a franchise netminder. But dammit, he’s a likable fellow. Let’s hold onto this guy for the rebuild. He’ll help us win a few. Survey sez: KEEPER!

Now, let’s shred the blue line. (Consider this therapy, folks.)

Christian Ehrhoff

This man makes Sulzer look like a stud. Survey Sez: Keep him until we have to buy him out.

Andrej Sekera

The most maligned on the blue line. #BecauseHesAEuro. He’s playing fantastic hockey at a young age. Survey sez: KEEPER! This team needs to find consistency, not trade it away.

Tyler Myers

Remember when this guy was so good we called him “The Big Easy?” I think other teams are calling him that now. Still, defensemen take a long time to develop. Hell, even Chara wasn’t an overnight sensation. Survey Sez: KEEPER! Unless he continues his career slide into the next Mike Wilson, he’ll be a cornerstone for us in the long term.

Robyn Regehr

We did a lot to get this guy. His presence on the ice is often overlooked, because he makes few errors. Hits a lot. Has teeth. But he is long in the tooth, and slowing down. Surv.. screw this survey sez crap from here on out. TRADE. He’s been a good soldier, but it’s time to let him find a Cup elsewhere. Thanks for your time, Robyn. Wish we got you 5 years younger.

Jordan Leopold

TRADE HIM. I like this guy, and hey, he’s even grown a beard recently, which is nice and gritty. But c’mon, he’s a “mobile puck-moving offensive defenseman,” of which we clearly have too many. TRADE. He’ll fetch a great return at the deadline.

Mike Weber

Punchy Mike Weber is playing some decent hockey, as he normally does, when he gets consistent ice time. No need to move him. He’s a perfect 5th/6th defenseman. Having his “bro” Ott on the roster makes for fun storylines. KEEPER.

That Sulzer Guy

Trade him, keep him, honestly, who the hell cares? He’s not going to make or break anyone’s Cup run. Survey Sez: whatever. In a few years we’ll tweet about how the new guy is wearing his number. “Hey! Remember that Sulzer guy? Same number.” We’ll “whatever” that tweet, too.

Now, let’s talk offense.

Thomas Vanek

Without question, Vanek is the star on this team. His goal scoring prowess cannot be replaced. But will he be effective when our young centers are matured enough to actually get him the puck consistently? It would be amazing to watch him with a true #1 center. TRADE. It’s just too bad the Sabres won’t be able to get 4 first round picks for him, as they would have received from Edmonton in that 2007 offer-sheet fiasco. Still, he would fetch a king’s ransom at the deadline.

Jason Pominville

The most consistent player on the most consistently underachieving team. TRADE. I’ll miss you, Pommers, but I also miss winning.

Hodgon/Ennis/Grigorenko

Hey, we have three young offensive dynamo centers who are not particularly great in the defensive zone. One of these guys has got to go. Each will fetch a fun return. TRADE one.

Steve Ott

He’s the PERFECT antithesis to Derek Roy, and we love him for it. We also love his hitting and his scoring. Everything he does punches the other team in the throat. KEEPER alllllll day long.

Nathan Gerbe

Don’t get me wrong: I love this player for his tenacity. But I’m getting a little bored watching a cannonball shoot up and down the ice. We need better talent. TRADE. Sorry, li’l guy.

Drew Freaking Stafford

Bag of pucks? Yes sir, thank you very much for the offer. TRADE.

John Scott

No one ever wants to fight him. So why is he here? He has a nice smile? TRADE.

Ville Leino

I like his game. I hate his contract. Good luck moving that, Regier/GM of the Future. TRADE.

Patrick Kaleta

Pride of Angola, but also great at helping us lose games by making dumbass decisions. Has worked to change his game, but it only takes one play to remind us all that Patrick Kaleta is Patrick Kaleta. He might actually kill someone on the ice someday. Can that please not involve Buffalo? Also, the whole Lego thing is a bit weird. TRADE.

Marcus Foligno

Something tells me this is really the guy other teams are going to insist upon. We need to keep this guy. KEEPER. Good God Darcy is going to trade him for revenge for being fired in the future. #BecauseItsBuffalo

The Other Guys

…will be collateral damage during the blow up. They’ve been working so hard to get themselves into a blue and gold sweater, but hey, any NHL colors will do. Sorry, all of you Other Guys, but one of you (or more) will have to provide the actual value in the Stafford trade.

Go Sabres. Kaboom.

 

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