Fight the Power: Fans Unite to Destroy The NHL’s Lockout Death Star

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Whatever.

With another NHL lockout looming, hockey fans are doing whatever they can (nothing) to help avert the work stoppage. JOIN THE FERVOR:

  1. Some die-hards are hitting the streets checking “Hockeyy Insiderr’s” Twitter to help spread his/her fan petition. (No, I am not linking to it, because he/she really just put it up there to further his/her own agenda. Go ahead, RT his/her petition, and send more people in the direction of his/her’s blog. GO FANS!)
  2. Strategic Idiotic boycotts (of… sponsors…) are being organized on HF Boards. Seriously? Seriously.
  3. Some fans are planning to occupy NHL arenas on Lockout Day (the 15th). This sends a strong “storm the Bastille” sentiment to owners who aren’t actually inside said arenas (they’re actually shirtless and drunk in Bohemian Grove right now). I’d link to this occupy effort shit too, but this is all just getting too damn depressing.

 

Online petitions? Seriously? Remember how those helped in 2005? Or like, ever?

Loaf 300x187 Fight the Power: Fans Unite to Destroy The NHLs Lockout Death Star

Just pinch a loaf. You’ll feel a lot better.

I am not here to call NHL fans idiots. That is Gary Bettman’s job.

I’m just here to tell you all what you already should know: you don’t have a say in this.

Online fan petitions? Sorry, folks. You could get a thousand signatures exclusively from children with terminal cancer, and all that the NHL would do in return is issue a “Gee, thanks for the passion, we’re rooting for you!” letter.

Boycotting sponsors? I had no idea the legions of hockey fans were so widespread across the nation/world.

mcdonald beijing 0 300x200 Fight the Power: Fans Unite to Destroy The NHLs Lockout Death Star

Hope you have trillions of dollars stored up for this, gigantic worldwide businesses. Yeap.

Occupy the arenas? This will last pretty much as long as it takes for the crowd to need to take a piss. Or until the united mob decked out in $200 jerseys starts to get antsy as the hobos roll in looking for food. Still, this is the best idea out of the three, since at least some local businesses might see some customers. I’m sure at least Lloyd Taco Truck is drooling over the prospect of 12-100 people showing up at the FNC determined to shake the world ‘neath Bettman’s feet.

If you really want to make a difference, there is only one way to do it: put your wallets and purses away. Cancel your season tickets. Stop buying jerseys and all NHL merchandise – but do it for the entire season if the lockout happens, not just until hockey comes back. Cancel your NHL Center Ice.

Hit them in the coin purse.

Of course, no one will actually do this.

“Cancel my season tix? Then one of the throngs of other fans on the waiting list will snap them up!”

“Stop buying jerseys? Well, I’ll just get a new Ott one, because he’s been so cool on Twitter.”

“Don’t occupy the arena? You mean this is a thing? Sweet! PARTY AT THE FNC! MmmmmbeeeEEEEEEER!!”

Did I say “hit them in the coin purse?” Let’s call that stupid idea #4. The NHL clearly has us by the coin purse here, and struggling only makes that kind of lock hurt more.

NHL lockout Fight the Power: Fans Unite to Destroy The NHLs Lockout Death Star

Guess what this is locked around? Ouchy.

Normally I sign off with a cute little “Go Sabres” thing here.

Instead, I’ll just apologize for ranting about what we all already know. Hey, at least I didn’t waste your time on a Saturday. Now get back to work.

Loaf1 300x187 Fight the Power: Fans Unite to Destroy The NHLs Lockout Death Star

Just let nature take it’s course.

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