The Worst Hockey Product Ever Created
Hockey purists, prepare to cringe.
For a mere $13.99, you too can be the proud owner of “Turd Burgler.” It’s a small scoop that turns your hockey stick into a makeshift pooper scooper.
Oh, yes. I could not possibly make this up. Not surprisingly, the product comes out of the hockey-insane state of Minnesota (where fans with too much
time beer on their hands apparently felt compelled to take the fine art of poo-flinging from our monkey cousins and take it to a whole new evolutionary level).
From their website:
JUST HOW MANY SETS OF WINE GLASSES, CUFF LINKS, MONOGRAMED GOLF SHIRTS, WRIST WATCHES OR PEN AND PENCIL SETS DO YOU NEED?
ARE YOU TIRED OF CHEAP PIZZAS, EXPENSIVE CANDY BARS, WRAPPING PAPER?
HOW MANY MAGAZINES CAN YOU READ IN ONE MONTH?
HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO SELL THE HOTTEST NEW PRODUCT THAT EVERYONE IS TALKING ABOUT TO YOUR ENTIRE MEMBERSHIP LIST AND THEIR FREINDS AND FAMILIES FOR YOUR NEXT FUND RAISER?
Well, all those caps certainly have me convinced. And so is Nanook:
Nanook from Nunavut, also weighed in with an exercise he likes to run his young ones through, dealing with mass quantities of moose dung. They are marshmallow sized and come in large piles and are abundant throughout his Province. He has the kids line up ten or so in a row about 6 inches apart. Then he has the kids rapid fire the nuggets at tree trunks for snap-shot practice. It give the kids “good hands” on the ice when they mature.
I don’t think any of his kids will grow up to be a goaltender.
This thing has been thoroughly product-tested, and comes with a set of
disclaimers devious ideas for the kids:
- Slap shots = SLOP shots. Wrist shots recommended
- High Sticking = High Stinking
- Do not splatter the fecal matter. Designate safe locations away from people and property for compost pile location or target/turd collection area
- Some municipalities have restrictions of compost use and content. Call you city for direction
- Using compost containing canine fecal matter on human consumables like vegetables can be hazardous to your health if food is not sufficiently washed.
- Never shoot poop at people or pets
- Never use the house, garage, storage shed or Dad’s car as a backstop
- Always wash hands after touching poop
- Always wash off Turd BurglarTM and targets after use
- Never use the Kiddy Pool as a target or clean up site
Anyone else feeling concerned for the dogs and cats of Minnesota?
And oh, before you give us poop for writing about this thing, we’re actually late to the party – ESPN first “scooped” this story way back in 2006. Always first in hockey coverage, those guys.